When Things Really Sing- Resonance
Interpersonal Neurobiology Part 3
Cliff notes- our brains are built for connection and the brain/relationship expert Dan Seigel has a handy list of 4 necessary ingredients PART.
Presence- choosing an open minded, accepting state stance with those we care about.
Attunement– focusing on the internal state of the people we care about, rather than the just their behaviors.
Resonance- allowing ourselves to be shaped and influenced by our experience of those we love.
Trust– mutual resonance allows shaping and responding to the person we care about while
Presence is the actively chosen stand of being curious and accepting and loving. Attunement is moving our focus from open towards- taking in the essence of another. Presence plus attention. Then we aim for the magic of resonance where we become a we. Two become one- something bigger than the sum of the parts.
Resonance is cohesion and harmony. It shows up when our vulnerability allows us to step into the unknown, the uncertainty of something we haven’t seen before.
Relationships move in and out of resonance over and over each day. The open, receptive zone of harmony is unsettled by conflict and misunderstandings. We feel pulled into our selfish, fear base reactions. Then, with skill and attention, move back to restore the relationship. My experience is that the measure of a good relationship is how much of the time we are in “the zone” and how quickly we restore harmony when we are out of tune.
Defensiveness, reactivity, anger and fear are often tied to our early childhood history and our previous relationship wounds.The opposite of resonance is dissonance- the lack of harmony, cohesion. Rough childhoods, attachment wounds teach us to focus on our autonomy, our certainty, our strength and often make intimacy and vulnerability feel dangerous. Our walls go up, our defenses strike and we feel safer outside of the zone of connection.
The baggage we carry can block our capacity to purely create magic between those we love. What a beautiful week to be aware of harmony. Notice when it is there. Notice when it is missing.
Are you being defensive? What attack are you defending yourself against?
Are you angry? Can you clean up the situation so that you can move on?
Are you freaking out? What does this situation remind you of? What in your past has convinced you that this is dangerous?
Are you isolating? Is it serving you to be disconnected or can you lean back in?
Have a lovely holiday weekend. Watch for the magic of relationships. Listen for the beat of your heart when it is in harmony with those you adore. Practice creating that.