Sadness Doesn’t Suck
If you have been following me for awhile, you may remember when I fell madly in love with Pixar’s Up, the story “a charming, fun little adventure story with flying dogs and balloon-powered houses, but underlying it is a bittersweet little story about loss and love.”
Now there is their newest Inside Out about Riley a happy, hockey-loving 11-year-old Minnesota girl whose world turns upside-down when she has to move. Riley’s emotions — led by Joy– try to guide her through this difficult, life-changing event. However, the stress of the move brings Sadness to the forefront.
Take your kids, I’m sure they’ll love it…but the movie isn’t for them…it’s a trick. I went to give my kids a better sense of their own emotions and left the theater a tear stained blubbering mess wondering why the only time I allow sadness into my life is in dark movie theaters.
The message behind Inside Out- no spoilers… if we ask our kids to be happy all the time, we ask them to hide their feelings, to shut down all of who they are. Sadness and fear and disgust are part of our humanity, our depth.
My dad called this week. He was having a tough week. He just turned 79 and I have known him long enough to know that the milestone birthdays are hard for him. “You know what the hardest thing about getting to this age is?” he asked. “You start to lose everyone.” That’s about as intimate as it gets with us. He lost both of his parents before he was 35. He sucks at feelings… and he really hates sadness.
This week, my 9 yr old nephew Jacob had to make the tough decision to have his dying kitten put to sleep. Jacob is learning to manage big feelings. He got to be sad this week. He got to love and say goodbye. As he has a lot of old people in his life and a lot of life ahead of him…I am sorry about the kitten but glad he faced his sadness this week.
As I was writing this morning, I made one of my kids really sad. I hurt his feelings. I did. He got tears. I wanted him to STOP. I wanted him to not be sad, not be hurt. In an instant I started to run through a list of distractions, cures, bribes. Instead… because I am committed to having my kids, especially as young men, have all their feelings. I went with it. I heard him. I agreed that I was wrong, that I hadn’t been fair to him. I gave him a moment to be sad…. and the biggest surprise- it passed. Sadness served its purpose and it shifted.
Life is a series of losses, disappointments, hurt feelings and frustrations- because we love deeply. We are passionate people with big feelings. And feelings are rich…even the ones that scare us just a little.