If You See Something, Say Something
I remember when this was announced as the PR response to 9-11. I was underwhelmed that our country paid good money for this stupid slogan.
This week, I am rethinking how important this is.
If you see something, do not bury your head in the sand.
I am furious with Michael Cohen for putting his career aspirations ahead of his country. I assume that there are tons of others in the White House who are covering up sexisim, racism, and greed for their own interests.
I am furious with the Catholic Church for continuing to protect pedophiles. The Church put power, influence, security and greed before the safety of their youngest, most vulnerable members.
I am furious for the teams of people who protected R Kelly and Michael Jackson. The people who road on their coat tails and took home a paycheck while children suffered.
Moral development, our relationship to authority, our responsibility to others are established in childhood. I want to raise kids who feel like they can “tell on people” when the time comes. Who trust that those in authority are on their side, are looking out for what is best not just power hungry control freaks. I want my kids to know that holding people accountable is important. Sometimes people need to get in trouble. Sometimes people make really bad choices. I want my kids to look for the most vulnerable around them and feel protective. I want my kids to think in terms of justice.
Talking to your kids is important but modeling has the strongest impact. How do we model holding people accountable fairly? How do we run our homes and our lives with an eye on justice and protecting the vulnerable? How do we wield our authority respectfully?
From an attachment lens, secure attachment allows us to live in the middle- able to take care of ourselves, lean on others when that is healthiest and also have space to care for others in a healthy way. We are special but not that specials. We are important but we are not the only ones that are important. We are connected to the greater good. (See how some of this might be missing in the world?)
When we feel more anxiously attached, we need lots of support, struggle to find our own center. We struggle to meet our own needs and thus have little space to consider the needs of others. We need to feel powerful and special and important for the world to stop spinning. For our kids, it is fixing struggles that they should better handle themselves. We need to empower them to solve their problems, handle their squabbles- with their siblings, their friends, their teachers. We have their back but we know their strength.
When we struggle with a more avoidant attachment, we handle things alone without asking for help. We take care of us and we feel compelled to take care of others, without healthy boundaries. We don’t trust others to be helpful. We work hard not to let anyone see the struggle. For our kids, we must be in tune with their pain and offer them support. We don’t leave them alone with their feelings. We have their back and let them rest in our support.
There is a good chance you have some of your own struggles with authority. Either leaning too far in or leaning too far out. Or maybe bouncing back and forth trying to find your center.
Do you resist help? Do you hide your struggles? Do you have trusted guides in your life? Do you know how to ask for help? Do you know when you are struggling? How do you receive feedback?
Do you bristle or resist the rules? Do you have to learn everything the hard way? Do you hate to negotiate or work with your partner on decisions?
Do you doubt your own truth? Do you check with too many “experts”? Do you call the doctor or post on Facebook or ask your friend before feeling confident in your decision? Do you second guess your decisions?
Do you do what everyone else says you should do without giving it much thought? Do you follow the herd, let others make decisions for your life? Do you fear taking risks or going against the grain?
Do you piss off the right people, the right amount of the time? Do you hold people accountable? Tell them when they’re out of line or have hurt you? Do you say “that isn’t ok” when people say racist or sexist or cruel things? Do you end relationships too easily or hang on too long?
As we parent, as we partner, as we strive to create a better world, as we work to create justice and as we learn to deeply we are going to keep bumping into the places where we are lacking. People who are secure in the love of those contribute deeply to the world in which we live. Transforming families transforms the planet. Back to work… and remember- if you see something, say something.
Maureen