Let’s Talk about Sex, Baby! Pt 1- Did I get your attention?

Last week I spent the day learning about “The Couples Erotic Flow”, a sex therapy model that I think is going to revolutionize the world of marriage counseling. Watch out for this guy -Kyle Zrenchik

Dr. Z is a Certified Clinical Sexologist so his specialty is “Seeking More Intimacy” and he enjoys working with all kinds of relationships. He is LGBT, Poly, alt, and kink friendly. He challenges his clients to move beyond their normal limits so they can regain the connection they have lost, work through a betrayal, and/or have better sex than ever before.

As a therapist, I work hard to get in my couples’ heads. When they are fighting, I want them to stop and say “what would Maureen say”. Kyle pointed out that when working with a couple’s sex life… the last thing I want is to be in their heads. Me following you into your bedroom is creepy. Sometimes this makes me tentative when talking about sex…but why become a marriage counselor if not for all the exciting sex talk, right?

I tell parents that if you aren’t talking to your kids about sex, who is? They are going to get their information somewhere. Same goes with couples. There is a ton of horrible information out there- Google, porn, advice columns, your friends, even your therapist or your doctor may be giving you stupid answers.

I usually do summer re-runs here at Marriage Geek so before I take a break how about a couple of sex blogs?

Marriage Geek Sex Ed for Old Married Folk Pt 1

Connect with Your Erotic

Before you can have a great sex life, you need to get your head (back) in the game.

Sex is good for you. You are a sexual being. You are in a sexual relationship (even if it is only with yourself). Ignoring sex is like eating crap or smoking or not working out. It is bad for you. At some point, ignoring it leads to problems. Sex is important to your partner, to their sense of security, their identity, their well being. For most of us, when we signed up for commitment, we agreed to be part of their sexual future. Their problem is also our problem. What shit comes up for you? What feels wrong about all of this? It is true…but not quite?

Your brain is your largest sex organ. Are you connected to your sexual identity? When did you put it aside? What got in the way? Was it having kids? Was it feeling resentful? Was it too many commitments, too much stress? Do you still feel good in your body? Do you think you are too old or too fat or too scarred or too something to be sexual? Are you willing to go there, to consider changing your mind and reclaiming your sexual self? What are you making more important than you sexual well being?

You have baggage. How much of it have you unpacked? You grew up in a world that told you what to feel and think about sex. Have you challenged what your family told you? What your religious upbringing told you? What limitations were imposed because of the body you were born with, the gender roles you were assigned? Is the baggage bringing you down?

Your erotic energy needs encouragement. What can you do to make this a priority? What are you making time for? What are you reading? What does your body need to feel more connected to your more sensual needs? Now neglected is your erotic energy?

Your erotic energy needs safety. A lot of our issues with our own sexuality as well as our relational sexuality can be traced to anxiety. We want to explore things, talk about things, feel things but we get scared. We are afraid of being weird or being vulnerable or getting hurt or being disappointed. Working on your erotic energy means feeling the fear, breathing and moving forward…in small ways but moving.

Your erotic energy needs collaboration. Sex is relational. It is the amazing balance of giving and receiving. It is being fully in your body and fully present with another. Most of us struggle to find that balance. If we tilt too far to the selfish or the selfless, we cut off the flow. Relationships burn out when we give too much or give too little, when we ask for too much or ask for too little.

Your erotic energy needs to room to make mistakes. Sex was never meant to be such serious business. No one gets sex “right”. Want to increase your ease? Add spontaneity and play and messiness and goofing off and doing stupid stuff and looking foolish.

Ok… sorry we’re out of time. Just enough to get you warmed up a bit. Spend the week just thinking about sex a little differently. I have some ideas about next week. I know- such a tease.

Want more?  Part 2

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