Let’s Talk about Sex, Baby! Pt 3… Bedroom Messes
Week 1 I talked about reconnecting with your erotic side. Week 2 I gave you some ideas about how to bring that sexy stuff to your partner. And today I want to talk about cleaning up some of the messes that might be hiding out in your bedroom.
Sex Ed for Old Married Folks Pt 3- Cleaning Up the Messes
Lots of old married folk, even those who are mostly happily married have stopped having sex. If you and yours are good with that…do you! But mostly not having sex makes us sad, makes us insecure about our relationship, and cheats us out of all the great stuff sex can do for us. Remember?
Here is my list of the top 5 things that I think mess up sex after having kids and some hints at cleaning them up.
Lack of time, energy, privacy. Once upon a time, you threw your clothes off and threw your partner on the bed, or the couch or the kitchen table and had your way with them. Today there are kids in your bed, laundry on the couch and dirty dishes on the table…and the kids eyes and ears are everywhere. You can’t even get space for a private thought let alone a private moment.
Ideas? Prioritize the sacred priority of your sexual life…for your kids’ sake honestly. Raise your kids in a home that is sex positive. Raise your kids in a home where everyone’s needs are met. Raise your kids in a home that is hot and passionate and nurturing. This looks like babysitters or grandparents or a deal with the neighbor where you support their sex life so they will support yours. Give your sex life hours not minutes.
Anxiety, distraction, stress….and technology. Where is your head? What is draining your mojo? Sex mostly happens in your brain…what is your brain full of? I think about having a energy budget that reflects your values the same way how we spend our money does. Anxiety and stress kill sex. Screens kill sex.
Ideas? The first step is admitting you have a problem. The world is going to hell in a handbasket right now. Find a way to create an energy bubble. Protect yourself off from the toxins. Sleep, meditation, yoga, rest, exercise, prayer, eat better, meds, shut it down, go on vacation. Take your brain health seriously.
Resentment, housework, money, F*ck You.. or don’t. In my humble opinion, the number 1 killer of women’s sex drive is resentment. If you feel like you “have to do everything” then sex becomes a chore and a low priority one. Sometimes I see men similarly feel taken for granted but in a highly gendered way they often feel like their “do everything” is carrying the financial burden in a highly stressful work world. The volume of the resentment can overpower drive, attraction, love, choice, need.
Ideas? Time to get honest. Do you really want to have a better sex life with this partner? Is sex conditional? Do things have to change first? Are there some serious fights that need to happen to clean things up before we get to the bedroom? Or are you making your life harder than it needs to be? Are you willing to give up some of the resentment, accept that both of you are doing the best that you can, that the big picture is more important than the details? This one is the one where I think couple’s counseling is a great option.
Body crap. You are older than when your sex life started. Whether you grew a baby inside of you or not, you likely have more bumps and wrinkles and stretch marks and baby weight. If you did have a baby inside of you… the way it came out impacts you physically and emotionally. Birth experiences impact both parents and are often hard on sex. As you age your hormones and your sex organs are going to age too. Nobody talks about sex as we age.
Ideas? Is it physical? Are you struggling with hormones or drug interactions or aging or physical limitations? Does your doctor know? Maybe this is important enough to do some work around. Is it emotional? Are you up against your own bias about how sex is only for beautiful, thin, young people? Does that seem fair? Want to take this on? How important is it to you to be in a healthy sexual relationship?
A bunch of really lousy sex. Sometimes sex is a 4 course gourmet meal that you savor for hours. Sometimes sex is grabbing McDonalds and wolfing it down before the kids catch you. McDonalds is ok but what happens if you eat there all the time? What women report to me is that quicky sex often can increase their resentment and decrease their drive. For men, what I hear is that quicky sex ends up feeling like a guilt trip, something done only out of duty and negatively impacts their emotional connection and decreases their drive.
Ideas? More gourmet meals! Slow down. Improve the quality over quantity. Talk about pleasure. Do not have sex until you are really hungry. Get connected to the sex that you wish you were having. Go away for a weekend. Dress up. Lock the door.
If you want to be healthy, you have to make some changes to your diet and exercise. If you want to financially stable, you have to make more than you spend. If you want to grow, you have to be open to new ideas. If you want to have a great sex life, you have to do your work. Because it matters.
Want more? Final chapter
Maureen