Sorry- I suck at matchmaking

Occasionally and only rarely, I end up seeing a couple who are in the early stages of their relationship- still deciding if they want to commit/marry. I have to warn them, I am really great at helping couples deepen their commitment, repair relationship damage, help people come to a decision about the recommitting or ending a relationship but I have no idea how to pick em.

I just don’t. 15 years of my own marriage and 20 years of counseling and I have no idea how to decide if this is the “right” person for you.

Here is what I do know-

• All relationships are hard, make you crazy and feel insecure at times.
• All humans are flawed and come with baggage and have parents who messed them up some.
• No matter how long you know someone, they will change into someone you didn’t expect.
• When people fight, they say mean things. get defensive and blame the other person.
• If you move on, you will start over. (Almost)no one is actually done with relationships just because they get their heart broken.
• Arranged marriages, where shared values and commitments matter more than chemistry, have as good of a chance of being great marriages as when couples decide for themselves.
• If you have a hard time trusting your decisions, If you often find yourself with suffering from buyers remorse, it will be very hard to ever feel sure about the partner you picked.
• There will come a day when you are absolutely certain that your choice of partner was a huge mistake.

I don’t know how to pick. I don’t know anything about couples who don’t ever come to therapy, either because they are totally blissful or totally unable to ask for help. I don’t know anything about how couples decide to come to therapy. I don’t know anything about the moments in relationships when things are amazing and serene. I know it happens. I know that often, my clients go away happy and have years of calm between storms.  I know that sometimes my work with couples is mainly duct tape. They leave put roughly back together and it buys them a few years. When the duct tape falls off they find that either they have healed and grown together, or that it was simply the duct tape keeping them close.

Almost every couple I see knows that they don’t want to get divorced. At least not this year. If we can decrease the conflict, increase the connection, we can keep the marriage alive.  Our marriages are entwined in our complicated lives. Our marriages impact our children. Our marriages impact our finances, which impact our childrens’ futures. Our marriages impact our extended families and our community. Divorce is a complicated decision and seldom made simply. And so I will just keep dishing out the duct tape. Because for 2015, hanging in there and sticking it out is a great plan. You might just have picked the right one.