You Know You Can Tell Me Anything, Right?
“Communication”- when couples come to me for the first time they often report that they have communication issues. “Communication issues” confuses even me. Of course they mostly speak the same language. Mostly they do talk to to each other- they can deal with the kids, the mortgage, the schedule but they can’t seem to have the conversations that they want to have. No one seems to have the same problem in my office- the magic bubble of my couch allows a different way of communicating but who wants to have a great relationship in my office one hour a week? My job is to teach people to listen, to bring openness and responsiveness to the hours at home.
If you want people to turn to you, bring the important stuff to you, you need to learn to be a first class listener.
***DISCLAIMER*** I am a trained professional. I get paid to listen. I listen to people who aren’t my family, don’t get under my skin and are hardly ever frustrated with me. My listening at home skills are maybe above average but I’m working on this stuff too.
The people you adore aren’t going to bring their best stuff to you if you-
- make them regret talking to you
- use what they tell you against them now or at some future time
- make it all about you
- half listen while doing other stuff
- hurry them through to the time when you get to talk
- begin to defend yourself before they are even done talking
- freak the F@#$ out.
- tell them they’re wrong
- minimize or negate their feelings
If you want to be someone people can come to, you have to be committed to being a 
world class listener.
Listen to all the stories. Unless you’re listening, you can’t know which stories are the really important ones. Listening to stories about things that seem unimportant are the best training for listening to important things.
Listen with your whole body- move, turn, put things down, make eye contact.
When you are plugged in, people get that you are really open to hearing them.
Listen with an open heart. Trust them. Believe them. Empathize. No matter what they are telling you, this is an opportunity to deepen your relationship.
Listen like this information is valuable. Listen like you don’t already know. Listen with wonder. Listen with curiosity. If uncertain, dig deeper and ask great questions.
If you can’t listen, own it. Sorry dear, you deserve all my attention but I just can’t right now. Can we do this a little later? (This only works if later means you go and find them and offer to listen.)
This week up your game. Slow down and hone your listening skills. Model great listening if those around you could use some help. Create a space in your home, in your life where people feel fully heard.