When is it Time to Go?

Rumor has it that divorce is too easy. Rumor has it that people don’t try hard enough. Rumor has it that people treat marriage like it is disposable. I know some silly celebrities (and politicians) have a string of exes but I don’t know real people who do that.

Ok Huff Post does have a Starter Marriage page. (A starter marriage is a first marriage that lasts five years or less and ends without the couple having any children together.) I think starter marriages simply prove it might be too easy to get married but honestly who thinks a 24 year old who married that cute scruffy guy should have to stay with him when it turns out he’s really an ass?

I live in a world where people are mostly deliberate in their decision to marry and some were even deliberate in their decision to have kids. (I was going to say that the average family has 2.5 children but I looked it up and did you know the fertility rate for women in the US is at a record low and that we aren’t even replacing ourselves? 1.87 per woman down from 2.12 in 2007. No wonder my friends with 4 get stared at.) Lots of people get married and have kids, or visa versa.. Together they work on communication and parenting and money and time and housework and face their family of origin issues and stress management and aging parents and the political world around them. It is sometimes hard and sometimes wonderful and they just try to get through day by day.

Somewhere in marriage, most people have thoughts of what would life be like not married or think about the greener grass or wonder if this is “normal” or is this the right kind of hard that marriage is suppose to be?

When people stay in an abusive relationship, everyone asks why they stayed so long. When people get divorced, everyone wonders if they stayed long enough. The million dollar question-” how long do you stay?”

I support people to make honest, educated decisions. Most people want to stay married if they can stay without losing their minds. No one wants to be married and endlessly miserable. No one wants to be raising their kids in suffering. The research is clear- bad marriages are bad for kids, bad divorces are bad for kids. If you can fix it, you should. I love fixing marriages. I love watching people find each other again and forgive and rebuild. I believe in marriage and I believe in marriage counseling. I know better than anyone what a difference some good, focused work can do. We all need to learn to be better partners. We all have wounds that keep us from loving and being loved to our fullest.

Divorce doesn’t destroy people and isn’t bad for kids but it is a huge loss and very stressful. It is also expensive. The legal process can be pricey but cheaper when people stop acting like fools. Math isn’t my thing but paying for two places to live is always more expensive than paying for one place to live. And everyone gets sad and sometimes sad means mad and sometimes hurt means mean. However hard marriage is, separating almost always makes it harder for 6 months… before it gets better.

We know that divorce doesn’t change the fact that we have to be able to co-parent, share resources and have some form of new relationship. People don’t like to be alone so divorce usually lead to step-families which are not easier than our original arrangement.

Please don’t settle. Please don’t stay for the wrong reasons. Please do not let fear stop you. Please don’t stay because your partner is harsh or rigid or refuses to hear you. Please do not stay if everyone around you is telling you to go. Marriage is hard but it is not meant to be toxic. Marriage counseling is best when two people share the couch but it works when you go alone too. Either it gets better or you do find another way to be a healthy family.

Still not really taking new clients but please always feel free to email if you would like a good referral.