Why Being a Therapist is So Much Easier than My Real Life
As a therapist I was taught to have “unconditional positive regard” with my clients.
According to Carl Rogers, unconditional positive regard involves showing complete support and acceptance of a person no matter what that person says or does.The therapist accepts and supports the client, no matter what they say or do, placing no conditions on this acceptance. That means the therapist supports the client, whether they are expressing “good” behaviors and emotions or “bad” ones.
I think it is the professional boundaries version of unconditional love but let me tell you it is so much easier at the office than it is at home.
Unconditional positive regard means believing that your client is doing the best that they can, has the intention to grow and sees you as an asset in their life.
Unconditional positive regard means holding space and waiting. It is tons of listening and very little advice. It is seeing the big picture and believing in the journey and making room for set-backs.
In my office, I hardly ever feel blamed or defensive or criticized. I am responsive and available for exactly one hour on my schedule. If it goes well, they love me. If it doesn’t go great, they come back in a week and we give it another hour. If it goes terribly wrong, they go get another therapist. (I do work hard to avoid this, but it happens.)
My client’s growth and their failures are not mine. I am there for them but I try hard not to be attached to the outcome. I can lean into their pain and actually encourage anger and tears.
Unconditional love is way harder! Here’s how it goes with the people I love in real life.
If someone cries I kind of freak out and worry what I should have done.
If someone is angry I flip flop between all my fault and no way is this my fault.
If someone comes to me with a problem it is almost always the wrong time. I am tired, distracted, overwhelmed, surprised and tired. Did I already say tired?
If someone wants to tell me something, I interrupt to talk about myself and share something I read or tell a story about me.
If someone in my life messes up or doesn’t change or does the same thing again and again I make it all about me. I get frustrated and worried and start to try and MAKE THEM SEE.
Rogers said that unconditional positive regard meant seeing the client as a separate person, with permission to have their own feelings, their own experiences.
At home, I think I see people mostly as extensions of myself. How they make me feel, what my needs are in this relationship and all the baggage I carry about who I want them to be for me.
My 16 year old has told me that he hates it when I make my disappointed face. I feel bad and try and tell him that my disappointment is for me to manage. On the other hand… lock the front door, pick up your shoes, stop tormenting your brother, do your homework, get to bed… so much for unconditional positive regard.
Obviously my intention is not for you all to ditch real life relationships for the wonderful world of therapy. Adoring my clients and holding space for them is no replacement for making your partner furious, having your kids yell at you and your parents make that disappointed face- even at your age. Unconditional love is a lofty goal. Sometimes we can really connect to how deeply we love someone in all their humanity. This is most often going to happen when they are not in the same room we are or when they are asleep. Feeling unconditional love for extended periods is difficult. Even more difficult is being able to convey this feeling to the object of our love.
Want more? How about going for unconditional love of self for the bonus round?
Remember- there are people out there working hard to love you unconditionally and failing. There are people out there that you love to the depth of your heart who do not always feel your love. This is how love works. This shitty, complicated human condition compels us to pursue love and family and then sets us up to be eternally disappointed in the experience. Love anyway.