Who is Tending Your Marriage?
In my office I have a house plant, a peace lily that I often reference as a metaphor for marriage- it is a plant that is very forgiving of Minnesota darkness and the inconsistent care I give it. This is what Google says it is supposed to look like.
And this is mine- and you should have seen how saggy it looked yesterday after I forgot to water it last week. It isn’t a hot house orchid that needs just the right combination of light and humidity but it also isn’t an overly forgiving cactus that can go on forever without attention. It kind of screams for the attention it needs and then perks up quickly.
Often one person comes to marriage counseling exhausted from taking a greater share of responsibility for the care of the marriage. Care can be obvious, like initiating sex or emotional intimacy. It can look like touch, kisses, date nights, “I love you” or “I’m sorry”. But care of your marriage can also look like starting a fight. Marriages need a good dose of conflict to fertilize growth. And maybe the way they are caring is drowning the marriage- you can’t just keep watering when a plant needs more sun.
Maybe you got lucky and were born in a lovely family of marriage supporters but a lot of us have pretty black thumbs. Some saggy, neglected marriages end up in my office. Marriages that have been tended poorly, not at all or those where conflict has burned the tender spots. It is scary when you feel as though you are the only one tending your marriage. It makes you feel as though your marriage isn’t important to your spouse. It makes you wonder what could happen if you stopped tending. It makes the ground under your feet unstable.
Often, I walk into my office and notice my peace lily has been neglected again and is seriously drooping but open the curtains and water it and by the end of the day it is looking wonderful again. Marriages don’t droop, they don’t yellow or drop leaves. Perhaps it would help if they did give us clear signs. Each couple needs to develop a language of marriage care.