Writers Block? Maybe Burnout? Or Persistent Drive for Autonomy?

I loved blogging. I did it most Thursdays for over 15 years. Blogging taught me to write and gave me an audience. It led to me offering workshops and becoming a professional speaker. Then I fell off a wall and just couldn’t do it anymore. Read more here.  Read my 2019-2024 Season Recap here. 

I have tried everything to get back to it. I have cleaned my house, transplanted all my plants, hired a coach, read books, created a new logo, and updated my website all while I was “supposed to be” writing. 

I recently stumbled upon the term “demand avoidance”. It is often associated with us neurodiverse or ADHD folks. I figured I would share what I’m learning and see if it helps. Just maybe this is the path back to blogging. 

As a psychologist, (ok…as an over 60 psychologist) I’m somewhat hesitant to adopt new terminology. Pop psychology and social media are sometimes hard to distinguish from research-driven or clinical developments. Also, mostly working with marriage and divorce work now, I kind of skate through on my “wisdom and experience”. 

There’s also something called Pathological Demand Avoidance- often associated with the Autism diagnosis. The “pathological” piece refers to having a dramatic negative impact on more than one area of life. I personally don’t fit that label. 

Demand avoidance- I like this one.  Demand avoidance looks like lazy, it shows up as isolation and procrastination.  It is frustrating as hell. It is why I am self-employed and why I am not always easy to work with on teams. It is why I have a clean house instead of a blog.

Recently the conversation has turned from PDA as a very negative view of Pathological Demand Avoidance to a more positive, affirming view of Persistent Drive for Autonomy. I love this language and I think it explains my struggles both as a school kid and more recently. I think it explains why my parenting style landed on giving my kids as much power over their lives as they could handle. 

High demands, low autonomy, and the inability to meet basic needs in any situation lowers our capacity to manage stress.  Under stress, we often struggle with emotional regulation and are chronically overwhelmed. At some point, for self-preservation, we simply avoid demands. It is hard to make choices, set limits, break tasks into manageable steps. Healthy self-care disappears- we forget to eat, rest, and ask for help. To deal with the pain of failure and criticism, we turn to numbing, checking out, and dissociating. This can be the breaking point, where any request feels like a threat. Our relationship can begin to feel more stressful than supportive as those around us remind us of our inability to do what we know we should do. 

I can look back on my own childhood and see evidence of very early resistance to demands. My mother was often frustrated with my behavior. I was outwardly compliant- “sure mom, I’ll do the dishes” but always had to do them on my own time. I was never rebellious or defiant- I wanted to be helpful. I just wasn’t.

School reports said “not working up to her abilities”, “disorganized”, and “often fails to turn in assignments.” Again, I was super well-behaved and luckily smart enough to still do ok in school. 

When I stepped back from blogging, I had been giving myself to the role of parenting for over 30 years, my whole adult life. Parenting is chronically demanding. So little of it is within our control. The pressure to at all times be emotionally available as a mom is crushing. 

Between parenting, being in an emotionally unsupportive marriage, leaning into private practice as a therapist and going through menopause, I guess I might have broken more than my ankle when I fell. 

I’m pretty sure I’m back. As long as I do this for me, as long as I do this my way. I promise I will not turn it into another responsibility. I will not come to you with resentment. I am working on owning my autonomy and honoring the autonomy of those I love.

A few hints- parents and partners… avoid heavy-handed demands. Support the process. Ask how you can help. Remind us that we are doing that thing that we do. Throw us a lifeline. Sometimes just watching me do the hardest task on my list can get me over the hump.