Changing Your Yelling Response
On Sunday I had 47 people show up for my STOP YELLING workshop. 47 parents who want to do better with their kids. This stuff makes me so happy!
I yell at my kids. Not as much as I used to and rare enough that I feel confident teaching a class on the subject. Be highly suspicious of people who don’t yell at their kids… not sure but alien pod people come to mind.
Most of us yell at our kids because we are frustrated, overwhelmed, feel guilty or worried. That said, we feel that way at Target, we feel that way at work and we almost never lose our shit in public. Why is it that tiny little people we love bring out our worst? Because they have us- they own us. Attachment relationships mean that we have given people so much of our love that they are entwined in our existence. When they go crazy, we go crazy.
We want to not yell. We think we shouldn’t yell. Every time we lose it, we feel stupid. We try and fail. We have some idea of what parenting should look like- all sweetness, patience and calm. But being real, being in the trenches, loving deeply and feeling complicated messy feelings is part of loving people. They get all of us.
Rather than working on not yelling, and then feeling horrible when you do, consider yelling differently. Consider changing the way that you lose it. Work on shorter freakouts, less frequent, and less intense.
If you grew up in a less than peaceful household, it is likely that you have brain patterns connected to yelling and aggression when mistakes happen. Before you can even remember, you learned that kids should not make mistakes. If something goes wrong, it is someone’s fault and something must be done. Think about that. Does it resonate? If that is the way your brain was set up from a very young age, it isn’t easy to do differently with your own kids. It is the brain superhighway- punish, yell, get mad. That pattern is real. It is neuron pathways and knee jerk reactions. It is hard to change that first response. But it doesn’t have to be your only response.
There is an underdeveloped cow path in your brain that says All is well, in this family it is ok to make mistakes, shit happens. It is possible to pull over, get off the superhighway and make your way intentionally to the peaceful cow path. All it takes is a deep breath. It takes getting out of crisis, reaction mode and moving to empathy, connection and the kind of parent that you want to be. There is a huge difference between 2 minute rants and one sentence rants. There is the thing that comes out of your mouth and what happens next. There is making a mistake and there is cleaning up the mess.
To yell less frequently find tricks to skip this fight. Time outs work well…for parents. Go to the bathroom and wash your hands, make a cup of tea, sit on the couch for a moment, call a friend. Remember that being flexible is just as important as being consistent. Change your mind. Let it go. Consider that it is ok to under parent on days when you can’t parent peacefully.
To yell less intensely consider giving yourself permission to yell. Yell and make noises and stomp but do it to blow off steam not to change your child’s behavior. Yell but don’t yell at. Have your kids yell with you….rather than at you. Yell “this sucks!” or “I am having a bad day!” or “I need a nap”. Consider swearing. Swearing is great. Just don’t swear at. Figure out what you need when you are at the end of your rope.
Take responsibility for your yelling- it isn’t the end of the world but it is worth working on. What could be more important than developing yourself as a peacefully, gentle parent? Be gentle with yourself. Our kids are doing the best they can and have a lot to learn…so do their parents.